A Sign

 A long time before I could leave for the airport, the sky had turned pitch black. “Great! The flight will be so upsettingly bumpy. I sarcastically thought to myself. To make sure I had easy access to the anxiety medications, I unzipped my handbag and double-checked the emergency medical pouch. I was returning to Mumbai, the city I considered to be my home. But I had grown accustomed to Bangalore after a lengthy 5 years. I had to because I spent the majority of my formative years here. I walked around the house, the house that was home to so many memories. Study dates, pulling all-nighters with friends who were now family, my weakest to my strongest moments, games night, watching India beat Pakistan and Pakistan beat India at cricket, this house, had seen it all. This was nice, it was the best time and now it was time to make it better. Beginning a new chapter of my life, as a doctor. 

The rain pounded against the roof of my cab, and the dashboard displayed the time, it was 12:33 am, I stared at the clock till my eyes would calmly experience the time as 12:34. The windshield wipers worked desperately, trying to clear the large balloon sized droplets of rain. I had left early for a 5:10 am flight. But there was any way not much left to do in an empty house. My friends had left the city already, and Bangalore now felt like a stranger to me. I looked outside to just feel the moment one last time. It was difficult to see because of the water on the window and the light reflected through that water. Instead, I just rested my head and lay my eyes, and bets on a water droplet trying to compete with the others. My droplet was winning but suddenly stopped, the rest continued while mine just stood there watching the others race ahead. My droplet then combined its power with another one crossing it and rushing towards the winning line. I smiled and closed my eyes. The weather had always been too perfect in Bangalore, if only I could take this with me to Mumbai. 

The drive to the airport was an adventure in itself. All I wanted to do was to quickly find my boarding gate, a seat to slouch, and pass out for an hour at least. I had time for more than an hour to do so but my anxiety would not let me. I tipped the cab driver, said goodbye to him as if he was the last friend I had to say bye to, and took a deep breath to take in all the freshness of Bangalore. I looked around one last time and turned to the one big suitcase that I was going to check-in. The airport seemed nearly empty or I was too early. I had to wait 20 minutes for the check-in counter to open. I was early, very early. I took my time with the security check-in, explored the airport, and watched different types of people walk by. There was something about airports that always made me feel very cozy. The people who worked at the airport must have such unique stories to share. Famous people they met, weird things they carried, funny requests at the check-ins and maybe coming across as suspicious or wanted people. Funnily though, I must have traveled alone millions of times and never once came across an experience or an intriguing person. Forget all of that I never even had a filmy moment of being seated next to a cute boy. “Some hard luck you have!” I sympathized with myself. 

I walked towards my boarding gate, it was deserted. I could now pick and choose the chair I wanted to sleep in. Forget one, I could lie down and sleep on 2 chairs! I had 2 hours before the flight. I was not hungry, I could always eat on the flight or get to Mumbai and have Maa’s handmade parathas. Between filling my stomach and catching some z’s I chose sleep. Sleep that I knew would be filled with anxiety about waking up on time but my safety net was that I put up multiple alarms. I must have slept a disturbed sleep for about more than an hour when I suddenly felt like I was going to fall off a cliff. Three minutes before the alarms could go off I woke up. I sat with my face in my palm for some time and then opened my eyes to get back to reality. The chairs were occupied by a handful of very relaxed passengers. I was surprised because the boarding with start any minute and we Indians never had so much chill. I suddenly felt someone tap on my shoulder, I turned to meet the eyes of an old lady. “Go to sleep, the flight has been delayed by 4 hours. I have a feeling it might get canceled. The weather is pretty bad” My eyes were now wide open and I was up on my feet. She got startled by my reaction as well. I ran towards the flight information display system and scanned through the list trying to locate my flight. The information changed from English to Hindi by the time I could find my flight details. Instead of looking for my flight, my eyes ran towards the right side of the screen which displayed the status of the flights. Most of the flights were showing as delayed, while the others were already canceled. The airport authorities informed us that the flights would resume once the weather would calm down a bit. When would that happen, only God knew. Bangalore had always been a bit unpredictable with its weather but this was the first for me. The first time I was ready to leave, the first time I was stuck in a big airport with just a few people around, the first time I wanted to get home but God delayed it.

I shrugged off my thoughts, picked up my handbag, and walked to grab a cup of coffee and a cigarette. I always got judged for being a doctor and smoking but hardly anyone knew that doctors are the heaviest smokers, our profession was not an easy one, and kicking the habit was not easy too. I picked up the coffee and walked towards the smoking room. Looking at the half-translucent glass room I noticed 3 pairs of feet. I was happy, the airport and the room were not at all crowded. Walking in I gazed at the room and the people. Two of the people were airport staff judging by the id cards dangling around their necks. One of them had both his hands in his bag trying to search for something. Settling the coffee cup I took out my cigarette case and lighter, lit it, and took a long puff. I know nearly every smoker gives stress as an excuse to smoke and only a smoker can relate to this. The others do not buy this reason at all. By the time I had reached half of my cigarette the airport staff guys had left the room, the other guy was now packing his laptop bag again. He let out a loud sigh, turned toward me, and asked, “Can I borrow a light? After searching for mine I realized that the airport security had confiscated mine.” My brain directed my eyes to his face. He was a young man, late 20s maybe, he donned an olive green linen shirt and beige pants. His eyes looked puffy and tired, and his hair looked like they were set before reaching the airport but messed up after reaching. I passed the lighter to him, he lit up his cigarette and took a long puff. He looked at the lighter and then at me and asked, “Hey! What a coincidence I have the same one! But how come you made it through security with this without getting checked again?” He questioned. “I guess I just got lucky! I did not realize I carried the lighter in the small coin pocket of my jeans. Now that you ask me I wonder how I made it through.” I answered. “Well, you either just got lucky or maybe you flicked mine from the tray, I have the same lighter, it’s either a big coincidence or we both have good taste.” I smiled “I think we just have good taste, I do not believe in coincidence.” “Hahaha! What is there to believe in it, It’s not like ghosts or God, it's just some things that happen at the same time by accident or have some sort of a connection.” “Well I believe everything is written but to each their own. I am not the judgmental type so it is completely fine.” I replied. “Oh so everything is written according to you but you know this is something that I do not believe in, when people say that they do not judge. Everyone does, in some way or the other. Minor or major but judgments are always there.” I stubbed the cigarette and said, “I do not judge, everyone has their own story, their life, their decisions to make, who am I to think wrong or right about them.” “Alright alright! Let me tell you a story or rather share the mess that I am currently in, I will then decide if you are judgemental in any way and even if you are or you aren’t you can always give me your two cents about it. What say?” His baggy eyes now had a reason for being that way, And I was now going to very soon know, why! I looked into his eyes again and said, “I will say please go ahead with your story, I have a lot of time to kill, a packet full of cigarettes and a warm coffee cup.”

“Once upon a time, I had a best friend, named, Kiara. We were the closest and the happiest around each other. I hail from Delhi and have a family-owned business, Kiara moved into the house right next to mine with her family 10 years ago. We had the same friend circle, her friends were my friends, and my family was her family. We did not know that we loved each other till she moved to another city to pursue her dream to become a pilot. And when we realized that we couldn’t live without each other we got married. We now stay in a house which is near to both our families. Everything was perfect until she got back to work. My business makes me travel to different cities in India but she travels the whole world. Shitty work hours, layovers, at times we are in different timezones. But when we are together everything is just perfect. My best friend Kabir, his wife, Payal, Kiara, and I, we are always hanging out together, chilling, traveling, and partying together. We have the best bond.” The way he was narrating this story I could imagine all the characters but without a face, Kiara wore a uniform but I couldn’t picture her to be fair or dusky, long or short hair. I imagined a typical rich family that would probably gather for every small occasion, the elders would probably go for morning walks or yoga, and talk about business and the economy. I was not judging but definitely stereotyping them. 

He continued, “The distance between Kiara and me was an issue and we did talk, and argue about it. But we could not find a middle ground. We both knew what we were getting into. Soon instead of the four of us hanging out, it was three of us and sometimes just Kabir and me. One evening Payal, Kabir, and I were having a drinking session on my house deck. They were there because Kiara and I had an argument before she left for Dubai. They were there to help me figure it out. I had drunk too many and had a very heavy heart. I missed her, I missed us. Kabir got a call and had to leave immediately to sort out some shipment issues at work. He promised that he would pick up Payal in an hour or two. You can call it a weak moment but the distance and the void that I felt with Kiara was filled by Payal. While she tried to console me we got very close and ended up sleeping together.” This startled me, I needed another cigarette. I gulped the coffee down and lit one. I was trying my best to listen to the whole story before I ended up judging him. He was so engrossed in narrating the story and did not even notice any changes in my expressions. “I woke up with cold water running on my head. I saw Payal and Kabir trying to bring me back to my senses. They dried my hair and wrapped a towel around my bare chest. I noticed that at least I had my boxers on. Kabir explained, “There is nothing in this world that cannot be solved through dialogue. Communicate your feelings and try finding a solution to this. Everything will be fine.” I looked at Payal and observed that she was not making any eye contact with me. They settled me in bed and left for the night.”

I was taking longer drags because of my growing anxiety, I didn’t know how the story would turn out to be but I wanted him to hurry up. He said,

“I woke up the next morning with a heavy head, popped an aspirin, made black coffee, and sat outside to recall what happened last night. I saw flashes of a passionate kiss with Payal. I could still smell her. Whatever it was, at that moment I felt good. The doorbell rang and I attended to it. I saw Payal standing outside. She entered the house, walked towards me, and sat down. She asked, “How are you feeling now? I realized that I was now looking at her from a different set of eyes. I was noticing everything about her, the way she walked, her hair, and the way she moved her hands while talking. Everything! I replied, “I have had better days but nothing I cannot get through.” She smiled and nervously said, “I do not know how much of last night you remember but I think we made a big mistake. We were both drunk and it felt good at the moment but when I got back to my senses I realized what a blunder we had made. Luckily I had snapped out of my intoxication and managed to put some clothes on for you before Kabir returned. Kabir is on his way here, he doesn’t know anything and I would like to keep it that way. Please do not break my marriage.” I was shocked by her last statement. That wouldn’t even be the last thing that I would want to do. I respected them even though we had crossed all limits.” 

My growing anxiety made me interrupt him and I said, “Can you skip to the part where I am supposedly going to judge you?” He smiled and said, “Long story short, Payal and I thought of it and realized it was indeed a very weak moment. But both of us couldn’t stop thinking about that night. Kiara’s travelling had not stopped and Kabir was always busy with work. As a good friend, he always stopped by or made sure Payal keeps me company. His intentions were good but he did not know that his friend was an asshole and a backstabber. Payal and I kept growing closer and our one-night stand turned out to be an extramarital affair. We both knew we were wrong but we did not want to stop.” I stopped him and inquired, “So basically you want to hear from me that you are indeed an asshole and a backstabber?” He replied, “No, I want you to give me a solution to an even bigger problem. You see our affair was well hidden until Payal got pregnant, it was not like Kabir and she didn’t have a good intimate life, but she knew that the baby was not Kabir’s.” My eyes were now shocked and big enough for him to notice. He continued, “Kiara had taken a leave from work to spend time with me when she got to know that Payal and Kabir would soon be parents. They had both flown to Dubai earlier to determine the sex of the baby. Payal had told me when we were alone that we were going to have a girl. Our affair was well hidden and we decided to keep it that way. But I do not know how far can I go without telling the world that I was going to have a baby girl, that baby is mine. I ruined everyone’s life including my unborn child. Payal and I had also decided on her name. That was the last conversation we had alone because after that we had decided to bury this secret and live our own lives. I waited for God’s sign to tell me what to do. Kiara and I are very happy and have even discussed starting a family soon. I love Kiara too much but cannot stop thinking of my baby. I don’t know what to do.”

He looked at me and said, “What would you do if you were in this situation?” I sighed and said, “Well, you told me this story to determine if I was judgemental, you can call me that but without any euphemism, I will call a spade a spade and an asshole! Instead of confessing it to your partner and your best friend, you chose to ruin so many lives.” I furiously continued, “I just believe that whatever you feel for Kiara is just out of habit. You do not love her because if you genuinely did you would not sleep with another woman.” He replied, “I cannot come out with the truth and ruin everything now. Whatever I feel for Payal and the love for my baby cannot be out in the world, it will destroy all our lives.” “Well, you both already did that, destroyed everything for some moments of pleasure.” I snapped back at him. He spontaneously replied, “It started of with a weak moment with Payal, but it was not just pleasure, I really did fall for her before she got pregnant but all of God’s signs point out to me that we need to move on!” “God’s sign! Move on! I am sorry to burst your bubble but God gave you a brain, not the one that usually men think from but an actual brain! Kiara and Kabir both need to know what happened behind their back. A husband who she loves and a best friend that Kabir thinks you are.” We were interrupted by an announcement that said that flights have resumed because the rains had stopped. We had not noticed that the sun was shining bright and the rains had disappeared a long time back. 

We both packed our stuff silently and started walking toward our gate. I walked ahead furiously thinking about how he could have handled it better. He called out to me from behind, “Hey! Trust me if there was anything that I could have done I would have already done it, I am sorry if you are not but I am a strong believer in God and the way he works. You think I did not try to talk to Kiara, the moment I decided to confess was the day she told me she was ready to start a family. She had already gotten all her medical tests done and was fit to start. She was a captain and could easily take a maternity break. The other time I thought I will talk to Kabir he cried out of happiness that he felt for his future, Payal, and their baby. I tried all the time. She is now 7 months pregnant we are adjusting to this new life.” 

I did not know how to react or make him realize what he was doing. “Well, Mr?” He replied, saying Nikhil, Nikhil Mehra” “Well, Nikhil, It was definitely not a pleasure meeting you, but before I walk towards my gate I would just tell you that it is best to let it out and admit to what you both have done. It won’t be easy but it is what it is. Anyway, I hope someday you feel lighter and take responsibility for your actions. Have a good day!” I turned to walk towards my gate when he said, “Gehna!” I turned and asked, “What did you just say?” He replied, “Gehna, Payal, and I had decided to name our daughter Gehna, She had shared the name with Kabir and he loved it too. He said it’s a nice play of words with the mother called Payal and the daughter named Gehna. It was my suggestion and I am happy that I got to name her.” I just smiled at him, picked up my bag, extended my hand to shake his, and said, “My words might not have helped but I am glad I can now help, I am Gehna, Dr. Gehna Talwar, hope you now have an amazing day.”