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The desire to be happy is not a choice, it’s invincible.

The desire to be happy is not a choice, it’s invincible.

Fine words by someone close to me. According to me, everyone wants to be happy. Period. Everyone chooses happiness as an emotion. But, for some people, happiness is not a choice. Everything is just too perfect, too perfect to be true. Yet there is something amiss. To be more practical it is a chemical imbalance in the brain. No matter what you do, happiness will be a distant relative. A cousin, a friend, who you long to meet but the distance keeps you both at bay. 


I have been fighting depression for a long time now. I have the best of family, the best of friends, a husband who is my best friend. But my distant relative (happiness) is something I miss. How and when did this happen to me, I am not sure. But clinically I was diagnosed with it in 2017. I am not going to get into the details of this but since I have been on the darker side, for people like us, the grass is always dry no matter what side you are on. I want to get up every day and choose happiness intentionally, but the chemical imbalance I tell you! It took me too long to go public with this because it made me realize that depression is not a choice. Trust me, I would never want to have sleepless nights, sad and difficult mornings, dark circles, fake laughter. All I know is that I am stronger, stronger than the people I have known who have been diagnosed. I still have a working sense of humor, my sarcasm is on point and there are days where I want to spread all the love and joy in me. 

I always wanted to keep this for my oscar win but I would like to thank my family and friends who are constantly riding this unpredictable roller coaster with me. 

And also, I know it is a struggle, but someday, one day. I will overcome it. 

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